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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26074372">Exploration is the key to proper communication</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/malirka/pseuds/malirka'>malirka</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Benry can’t do this emotion thing right, Canon Divergence, Eldritch Benry, F/F, Gordon has PTSD, Gordon's hand is prosthetic, Hurt/Comfort, No beta I die, Post-Canon, body horror???, could be mentioning of other characters in the future, events after the black mesa incident, fem!au cuz i’m a stupid lesbian sorry, i rly dk how to tag helpppp, idk how to tag, i‘ll be adding tags as i go i guess, kinda slowburn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 13:07:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,165</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26074372</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/malirka/pseuds/malirka</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What could Gordon Freeman possibly want to do with an incomprehensible eldritch being from her nightmares?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Benrey/Gordon Freeman</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Your gaze is smothering</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi! So, this is my first fic on this site. AND english is not my first language. So if the text like feels strange this is why. But i tried really really hard to do it right so i hope you like it :)<br/>Update: I don’t think i will be able to finish this work, sorry.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> <span class="s2">Gordon is standing </span> <span class="s2">inside flesh colored room ankle deep in bloody water. The only sounds are her loud heavy breathing and deafening heartbeat ringing inside her ears. Her vision is blurry. Her head is empty but of one feeling.</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em> <span class="s3">Vicious nauseating fear.</span> </em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="s2">Sweat is running down Freeman’s face. Panic </span> <span class="s2">is crushing her lungs, making it hard to breathe. She feels eyes watching her from every possible angle.</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="s2">Greasy rustling as if coming from wet scaled snake’s tail added to the cacophony of her panting and silent terror, prying her eyes open.</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="s2">She didn’t know she closed them.</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="s2">She wished she kept them so.</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="s2">The sheer sight knocked one quiet frightened sob out of her.  </span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="s2"><strong>It</strong> was in right front of her.</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="s2"><strong>It’s</strong> true monstrous form.</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em><span class="s2">T</span><span class="s2">ails of long black hair were tangled and </span><span class="s2">oily</span><span class="s2">, shifting and sliding along the walls and giant sharp rocks rising above </span><span class="s2">shallow red waters. </span><span class="s2">Dozens of clawed arms sticking out of enormous body, bending unnaturally as they had no bones.</span> <span class="s2">Thousands of glowing yellow eyes were moving down the lengthy flesh like bubbles in water. Insects were swarming around </span><span class="s2">the creature, buzzing loudly, ringing in scientist’s head.</span></em>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="s2">The movement was mesmerizing in its own disturbing and hideous </span> <span class="s2">ways. Gordon couldn’t look away. She could only cry soundlessly, praying to whichever goddess was on her side for help.</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="s2">She was stuck in her own terrified form, unable to move. </span> <span class="s2">Stuck under behemoth’s gaze.</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="s2">Her end was nigh. She was staring right in its blazing</span> <span class="s2"> eyes.</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="s2">Thunderous static laugh startled her shaking the entirety of Gordon’s nature.</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em><span class="s2">Hundreds of grinning sharp-toothed mouths opened spitting out something white, covered in blood and</span> <span class="s2">dark saliva.</span></em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em><span class="s3">Human bones.</span> <span class="s3">Piles and piles of human bones.</span></em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="s2">With low rumbling bones started </span> <span class="s2">navigating</span> <span class="s2"> themselves </span> <span class="s2">into smaller piles then to float up and gather in the form of skeletons.</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em> <span class="s3">Army of </span> <span class="s3">skeletons .</span> </em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em> <span class="s3">All of their meatless sculls turned towards Gordon.</span> </em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em> <span class="s3">Their song screeching at Gordon’s soul.</span> </em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em> <span class="s3">Their </span> <span class="s3">thin </span> <span class="s3">bony fingers </span> <span class="s3">moving towards Gordon.</span> </em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em><span class="s3">Only a second until they touch and rip her skin off.</span> </em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <span class="s2">…</span>
</p><p>Freeman wakes up screaming , tears running down her cheeks, sweat sticking her curly unwashed hair to her face.</p><p>She is shaking in the darkness of her bedroom. It’s  probably middle of the night but she couldn’t sleep anymore. Not after this vivid nightmare making her skin crawl. She exhales shakingly, running her hand down her face.</p><p>“This fucking alien monster haunting my dreams MONTHS after we returned home” Freeman says out loud, laughing nervously, “What else? She’ll show up in my room like a fucking ghost?” she exclaims, head falling back on the pillow. She’s so damn tired of this.</p><p>“oh” Gordon hears monotone voice right beside her bed, “that kinda hurts y’know?”</p><p>Her body freezes. It can’t be, right? It’s not happening. <em>It</em> can’t be… alive? She fucking can’t be, they killed <em>It</em>! <em>It's</em> dead!</p><p>Gordon hopes she just loses her mind.</p><p>“uh, not even a hello, huh? Gordon uh.. Gordon Rudeman?” scientist hears as she pushes her eyes shut, trembling. Her breath becomes ragged and short. She feels she’s going to be sick.</p><p>“wha? sis, c’mon, it’s so dumb. i’m like.. still here” she hears along with rustling getting closer. Gordon feels as rustling along makes her want to through up, suffocating her.</p><p>She feels big bony cold hand on her forehead. She’s definitely going to be sick.</p><p>Before the monster could do or say anything else, Freeman sits up abruptly, startling the being beside her, and, leaning from her bed, vomits on the bedside carpet.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>my art with Benry in all her glory kinda<br/>https://twitter.com/malirka_art/status/1294336258785906689?s=21</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Anger is consuming</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gordon’s throat itches painfully, the taste of gall in her mouth makes her head spin. She is coughing, still crying and shaking uncontrollably. There is no strength in her whole body to move anymore, her arms are mushy and weak from fear.</p><p>So she’s lying here, head leaning from the bed, hair hanging down her writhed face, reaching the vomit on the carpet. She would have been disgusted by this in the normal situation, but it's not and there is nothing roaming in her scull except for sheer bestial dread.</p><p>“Y- not- can’t be- here” Freeman tries to spit out between the sobs, “W- kill-ed you!-“ she attempts to scream, though the sound is more similar to hoarse howling.</p><p>“calm down”  sounds  beast’s toneless response. Gordon would be furious if the terror wasn’t so overwhelming.</p><p>Then, she hears the song. Blue glowing bubbles floating up to her, hitting her ear and the side of her face, sticking to skin. Panic lessens, quickly stops devouring her brain and escapes just to the back of her head. Shivering and weeping quits abruptly, returning might back to her muscles, but she doesn’t get up, preferring to stare at her own puke that to look into monster’s soulless eyes.</p><p>She stays silent for a moment hoping to collect her thoughts. They are so persistent in jumping away under the sound of creature's rustling movement. </p><p>Then she finally succeeds...</p><p>“What the fuck are you doing here?” Gordon hissed, pure venom spilling out from her dry lips, “Why are you still alive?” her arms began to shake again, fear consumed by anger.</p><p>“please calm down?” those words where mockery for Freeman’s disturbed mind. As she hears first note of alien’s sedative song, scientist swiftly rushes towards the sound, non-prosthetic palm sealing the beast’s mouth shut, unkempt hair obscuring her already blurred vision.</p><p>Her eyes are burning from tears. But she hopes her violent stare will burn the intruder as well.</p><p>“I don’t need your ‘calming down’, you FREAK!” she growls through her clenched teeth, still covering creature’s maw with her hand.</p><p>Long icy fingers touch her wrist and Gordon pulls away as if she was touching a burning coal.</p><p>“that’s so mean, sis” impostor speaks, rubbing its now free face.</p><p>“MEAN? Are you, fucking kidding me? You were tormenting me, you tried to <em>kill</em> me, you cut off my <em>fucking arm</em>, and now you broke into my home for what? Torment me <em>again</em>? <em>Finish</em> me? Don’t <em>you</em> tell me about being mean, <em>buddy</em>” she tried to put as much hatred as she possibly could in the last word.</p><p>“uhhh” alien groans, “why are you so mad ‘bout it? i was just joking around, like friends do” It whines like its Gordon who fucked up.</p><p>Freeman’s blood boils from these words.</p><p>“HOW THE FUCK-“ she almost chokes on her scream, “You don’t ‘joke around’ by trying to <em>murder</em> somebody! And how many times I have to say this: we are not <em>friends</em>, you SHIT!” she finds the strength to get up from her bed and hurries to the kitchen, desperately trying not crash into something as she blindly stumbles in the dark. She wishes she grabbed her glasses before running out.</p><p> Gordon squints and sees a blurry image of her target: a block of kitchen knives. It won’t protect her from the wrath of immortal alien goddess but she hopes it will show the beast she won’t go without a fight.</p><p>She grabs the biggest blade with her both hands, breathing heavily, as the monster is following her, helmet almost scraping the ceiling, tall figure ominously leaning towards tiny panting human.</p><p>“wha? watcha doing with that?” It asks, long hand approaching Freeman.</p><p>Gordon, jumps back, pointing the knife at the threat, her hold tightens.</p><p>“Why are you here?!  What do you want from me?!  Are you here to KILL me?! Cut off my other arm?!” she screams, almost deafening herself in the process, hoping the neighbors would hear her and call the cops. As much as she hated the pigs,but they there better than being alone with murderous eldritch being from hell. Though she doubts they could help.</p><p>“just wanted to see my best frieeend here” the beast shrugs, “but like.. uh.. why are you so ‘mhuhh my hand mheeuh’? didn’t you regrow yours already?” It asks as if really doesn’t understand.</p><p>“Humans can’t regrow their fucking limbs, Benry. Its prosthetic” she utters, confusion climbing up her throat.</p><p>“oh.. really? i uh.. thought-“</p><p>She doesn’t have the chance to finish as Gordon just <em>explodes:</em></p><p>“What?! You thought What?! Are you that fucking <em>dumb</em>?!”  Freeman bawls, stepping towards the alien as if she lost her fear behind the sudden rage, even her grasp on the knife loosens. She continues screaming and cursing at the alien in front of her, not understanding what is she saying herself.</p><p>Then scientist is close enough to the monstrous being, the creature sighs wearily and takes the weapon away with one hand like a parent confiscating dangerous toy from their child. Gordon freezes, puzzled as her fear is coming back. Now the monster holds the knife and its much more menacing in her long thin hand. Gordon tries stepping away once more. </p><p>Benry slams her hand on the counter next to her, starring right at Freeman's confused expression.</p><p>“I’m not human, you idiot” It drops as It hits her wrist with the knife. Gordon gasps, covering her mouth so she won’t through up again. Loud wet crunch feels the room; unnatural black thick blood spreads around the cut, dripping on the floor slowly.</p><p>“Why?..” Freeman whisper is muffled and frightened.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Don't be shy to comment! I'd love to see if you like my work! It encourages me to write more! :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Something new</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The quiet question hangs in the air.</p><p>“um..” Benry starts, shifting Its... her lifeless eyes over to Gordon’s startled face “you uh.. won’t shut up about your stupid fail arm, so i uhhh.. it’s easier to show..” creature says rising her fresh bloody stump in the air, detached hand still holding by thin tissue and skin, “oops” she notes, ripping the dangling part with no hesitation and throwing it in the trash bin, missing completely. Freeman flinches. “my bad”</p><p>“Why- Why would you do that? I know you can regenerate and shit, but doesn’t it hurt like hell?” Gordon is bewildered by alien’s actions, though she should’ve got used to it by now. She can’t tear the concern out of her eyes as she watches black blood on the stub boil becoming thick and clotted.</p><p>“wha? what’s hurt ?” creature asks, her eyes slip to look at Freeman’s face, damaged limb slowly lowered, blood handing down the cut like icicles.</p><p>“What the- No. Don’t tell me you don’t fucking feel pain?” Gordon exclaims, then, the realization hits her, “Wait… This explains so fucking much!” she throws her hands in the air. Somewhere inside her, crawling through hatred, confusion and fear, fascination with the alien is making its way out. Damn her scientist’s brain “if you dont even feel it, it means you project... Hm..." she mumbles, "Is getting my arm chopped of a kind of alien joke of yours?” she asks curiously. It’s possibly the first time she talks about her injury without getting angry or bursting into tears.</p><p>“uh.. i guess it’s kinda close.. “ Benry shrugs but continues, “sooo.. you were pissing me off ‘cause you so dumb and stupid and mean and I wanted to teach you a lesson and shit..” her glance falls on Freeman’s prosthetic, “but then you screamed and.. screamed.. it wasn’t top ten epic revenge moments.. i didn’t know about your ‘hurt’ thing.. i think i fucked up real bad” she looks back at Gordon’s surprised expression, spitting out some colorful orbs, bright pink to dark blue.</p><p>Scientist clears her throat while her heavy and fogged brain tries to process the information. It wasn’t much but it did sound a bit like an actual apology: “Oh.. Well, okay, that’s new, you actually said something I could understand. Barely, but...” Gordon snickers, “And what about the Sweet Voice, what does it mean?” she asks, squinting her eyes at the glowing orbs.</p><p>“yeah, i don't know how to uhhh.. make rhymes for them like Tammy.. Tammy's epic rhymes, but.. it means i’m.. uh.. sorry” she mumbles the last word quickly “and..” Benry stops herself, popping in the bedroom. She quickly returns, coming closer to Gordon, making her tense up a bit, “here your uh.. fail glass shits.. stop doing this thing with your eyes you look stupid” creature outstretches her hand, Freeman’s glasses resting between long fingers.</p><p>“Oh…” Gordon gasps in surprise, “Thanks…” she speaks, picking the glasses up and putting them on. Now she could clearly see the figure towering over her. Long and slim, she looked like a freshly deceased corpse: pale and unsettling. There was something always wrong with her face but she couldn’t quite grasp what. It was strengthen by soulless eyes and absence of any emotion. Her hand damaged hand is starting to grow bones, metacarpal  already half done.</p><p>“like what you see, feetman?” Gordon winces, face a bit flushed, eyes back to Benry’s motionless face, “you stink btw”.</p><p>Last sentence gets a chuckle out of her, especially the part where Benry actually spells b-t-w out loud.</p><p>“Yean, dude, you right” Freeman smiles as Benry averts her eyes, “I’ll go get a shower. And you… fell yourself at home, I guess” she speaks, heading to the bedroom to grab some clothes and desperately trying not to touch her filthy hair.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So yeah, folks, pink doesn't mean 'i love you' in this house but bear with me.<br/>It's shorter than it supposed to be cuz i was taking so long with this chapter and felt guilty for not writing and watching stupid videos on youtube.<br/>It's so hard and tiring to write for me especially if it's not my native language but i'll try to do it cuz i love this idiots<br/>P.S. I’m kinda stuck between constantly feeling tired and bored and trying to study at the University. Sorry, i have no idea when i’d be able to continue writing:(<br/>Anyway if you are reading this, have a nice day/evening/night/morning and stay hydrated!:)</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I made some art for this fic so i’ll be putting the links so you could see it :)<br/>Cover art for the fic<br/>https://twitter.com/malirka_art/status/1294736966500724738?s=21</p><p>don’t be shy to comment i’ll read everything and will try to respond as soon as i can!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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